Blog 1: Me and My Brain Feeling Inspired.

August 28th, 2020

I’ve been wanting to get back into writing for quite a while now, and if you ask any of my friends they’d say they know. I’m not sure why I don’t, and I won’t be able to supply a valid answer, but I can give you “a” answer.

I’m too in-my-head.

I talk a big game to myself but always stop short. I’m a narcissist for as long as I can be until I get tired of my own thoughts. For God-sake look at how many times I’ve typed “I” in just 6 sentences. Annoyed yet? Buckle up.

Truth be told it all stems from fear, as most insecurities do. Scared this will fall into the wrong hands of someone judge-mental, or maybe just a girl that was never too fond of me in high school. *winces* I’m scared people will say, “who does she think she is” or, “what’s wrong with her” or my personal favorite, “she’s trying so hard.” Well, I can’t control what goes on up there, so if this is you, I’d be glad to direct you elsewhere.

As for the people who’d like to stay, glad to have you. Now back to what I was saying.

I’m finally sitting down to write again. It’s 5:56am, Friday, August 28th. I started to do what I always do, write a long blog post in-my-head, running back sentences, editing and getting the wording just right as if I’m about to submit it somewhere. When I tell you I always do this, I’m not exaggerating. But for the reasons stated above I never bother to actually get any of it down on paper. It’s actually quite therapeutic, writing, as I’ve realized in the past. I tried therapy once but I lied to her and didn’t actually talk about the root of any issues I was having. At least for the person I am right now, its just not for me. I like writing. I love writing. I always have and its always been a part of me even if I didn’t always deliver. But I picked it back up because I was tired of saying “I wish I wrote that down.” And more importantly, I was inspired.

Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. No, I didn’t come up with that. But honestly, I think sometimes we see the people we care about most do something that gives us that push we really needed. This is where the story really starts.

A very dear friend of mine, Anna, shared a blog post she wrote about her grandfather that recently passed away. It was beautiful. I didn’t even know she had a blog let alone had the desire to write. It inspired me.

I met Anna in my final fall semester of college when I started working at the front desk of my apartment. She had been working there for a while. When we first crossed paths one thing was obvious, she was the kind of girl that turned heads. Not only because of her effortless beauty but because of the confidence she radiated. Let me tell you I was more than intimidated. You see, Anna is one of those girls that you want to be just like.

To my surprise we quickly became great friends. Looking back at it now I’m not surprised, because that’s the kind of girl Anna is. She’s the kind of girl that makes you feel like you’ve known her for years, while its only been a matter of weeks. She once said something to me that although seems quite obvious, was strangely profound hearing it out loud. She was telling me about a new friend she had made and her personality. Without saying a single bad thing about the girl she explained to me a less than redeemable quality about said girl’s personality. But she told me that didn’t make the girl lesser than anyone, including herself. She said you have to accept people as is. You can choose to be friends with them for who they are entirely. I told you, seems pretty point blank but for some reason this statement changed my entire outlook on people. Anna is a girl of faith and not in the pushy, in-your-face way. She’s a girl of Christ in the most graceful way possible. I admire that, because although I consider myself a catholic, I’ve been struggling with my faith for some time now. Blog post coming soon.

I met Anna at a time when my life had completely turned around for the better. Earlier that year I had hit a wall of depression I had never experienced before. I had feelings of being depressed before, but nothing as serious. I also thought that being “depressed” was for 45-year-old divorcees with a drinking problem. I didn’t have “the kind of life that warranted me being depressed.” But its not black and white, is it.

Yeah I had been sad before but I thought it was provoked by current circumstance. I figured this is just a normal bump in the road. Remember when I mentioned therapy earlier? But that was a long time ago and like I said I’m far too in-my-head to let feelings like that take over. Unfortunately summer 2019 was different.

I won’t sit here and trace back to everything that ever made me feel some type of way because I’m feeling good right now and I’d like it to stay that way. Plus this blog is online so I have endless pages for when I’m feeling up to it. What I can tell you is that feeling was not good, and I finally came to terms with myself that I was not ok. It was kind of like years worth of suppressing these feelings finally compacted into one big bomb that had finally had it. My brain had had it with me.

I sort of let it happen for the summer and I never mentioned it to anyone. This was a battle between me and my brain after all. I got drunk and mentioned something to my roommate and best friend Emily one time but quickly brushed past it. This was between me and my brain.

After that summer Emily and I had to move out of our current apartment and into a new one. I truly think this fresh start helped me to get out of that headspace. All of my past apartments were filled with some really great times that I will always cherish, but they were also filled with some less than stellar times that’d I’d like to keep behind those auto-locking doors.

I was so so happy in this new apartment. Good vibes only. I decided to make small changes in my life that ultimately saved my brain from a relapse. I kept my circle small and focused on keeping my ducks in a row in school so that I could devote every weekend to my friends. New apartment, a new job, and a fresh haircut. It was a really great time being a 5thyear. It was the first time in a while I truly only did things I wanted to do, and didn’t worry about a lot of those social pressures I was feeling while being in college. I also think that genuine happiness led me to become friends with a person like Anna. A lot has changed since.

I’ve graduated, moved back home, and applied to plenty of jobs I’m not qualified for. I’ve been feeling myself slipping back into that headspace that I felt in the summer of 2019, and its nothing shy of terrifying. But I’m trying. My brain and I are trying. And I’m writing.

So I think that will be all for now. I hope this isn’t just a manic episode and I hope that whenever my brain and I start chatting again, I write it down. Even if it’s a couple of sentences.

I hope some day I can tell Anna what she did for me without even knowing it. I wonder if writing was therapeutic to her, I wonder if it made her feel the way I do right now. I guess I could just text her and ask her but honestly, I’m kind of scared. But Anna if you ever come across this, or I build up the courage to share it with you I want you to know, you really truly inspired me.